About a month ago the brains over at NASA crashed a rocket – for want of a better word – into the surface of the moon. Yep, you read that right, they purposely crashed the rocket. This missile was carrying all kinds of NASA type machinery and all these moving parts began collecting data and relaying it back to the boys in Houston or perhaps, Florida or wherever the hell they are.
To the amazement of these intellectuals, what was received made each one of these scientists yell, clap their hands and jump for joy. Not only did the data reveal that the moon was not, in fact, made of cheese – a claim Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin reported back in 1969 – but at some point in time – water had existed on that round barren neighbor of ours. Can you imagine the cheers that went up at the NASA research laboratory? The leader of the scientists probably went rushing into the office of the NASA Director screaming. I imagine the scenario went something like this:
“We’ve found water! We’ve found water!”
The Director of NASA, not a scientist himself, looks up from his Archie comic and asks. “What?”
“We’ve found water, sir!”
“You found water? – You know this may come as a bit of shock to you, but there’s a shitload of water all over the place.” The Director waves a manicured hand toward the window.
“No sir – on the moon. We’ve found water on the moon.”
“You’ve found water on the moon? How the hell did water get on the moon? Did you find a drum of the stuff or what? Are you sure it wasn’t left by Neil back in 69′? ”
The scientist looks at the bureaucrat in the expensive suit and wonders why he’s even bothering to explain to this moron. However he knows if he doesn’t at least try, funding may be stopped.
“The rocket we crashed into the moon last month had various scientific equipment on board and this equipment has relayed to us information that there are traces of H20 in the soil of the moon,” the scientist continued.
“You know; I never understood why you guys wanted to crash a perfectly good – and expensive – rocket into the moon. I mean – what was the fucking point?”
“Sir. The point was – we needed to crash the rocket in order to collect data, it was the best way.”
“What about all the rocks Neil and the others humped back here 30 years ago. Didn’t you find any of that – what did you call it?”
“Right. H20, in them?”
The scientist rolls his eyes and shoving his hands deeper into his white coat.
“The rocks gave us other valuable information and we are very grateful to Neil and the others, but what we have found today, is nothing short of a miracle.”
The Director looks at the scientist for a long minute. He stands and with the comic book rolled up in his left hand, walks from behind his giant desk and stands next to the scientist. He places his arm around the shoulders of the scientist and with the rolled up Archie comic book, gently taps the scientist on the cheek. “You realize if what you are claiming is true we are going to have to have a press conference and tell the world. You realize this don’t you?”
“Yes sir, I do.”
“And you also realize that if it should be proven that you’ve been yanking my chain over this “discovery” I’m gonna rip your gonads out of your nut sack and serve them to my German Shepherd, you realize that also don’t you?”
The scientist swallows hard. “Yes, sir. I understand.”
The Director moves his arm and drops the comic back on the desk. “OK, I want all data ready to be made available to the media. Naturally, I’ll be announcing this miracle, so I’ll expect you to supply me with all information. You don’t want me to look like a complete idiot if some smart-assed reporter, trying to get a Pulitzer, asks me a difficult question, do you?”
“Yes sir – I mean, no sir,” stammers the scientist, “I’ll write up what you should say. I’ll keep it simple so that even a monkey could read it.”
The Director gives the scientist a terse look. “Are trying to be funny?”
“Not at all, sir. I was merely trying to explain that the report I give you will not be difficult for you to read.”
“Very well. OK, out you go and get started. I’ll get Marge to arrange the press release and conference for,” he thought for a moment, – “a week next Friday, good enough?”
“Fine.” The scientist walked quickly to the door and disappeared on the other side.