Keep Them Clean

Peter Anderson walked sheepishly into a doctor’s clinic. The receptionist, a large-breasted blond with a plastic smile greeted him.

“May I have your name?” she asked, her smile constant.

“Anderson, Peter Andersen.”

“Thank you Mr. Anderson. Now, could you tell me the nature of your visit?”

Anderson shifted on his feet and looking down at the desk top mumbled.

“I’d rather not say. It’s personal.” 

“I see,” said the receptionist, “if you’d like to take a seat I’ll see if the doctor can see you first.”

Anderson nodded his thanks and moved into the waiting room. Sitting on the white plastic furniture, three other patients watched as he entered. They smiled revealing capped or chipped decayed teeth. Anderson stood in one corner. He picked up a magazine and began thumbing through the pages.

“Have a seat, buddy.” said an old, balding man with his arm in a sling. 

“No thanks,” said Anderson, “I’m fine standing……..I need the exercise”, he added.

“Suit yourself,” the old gent grunted and continued reading the magazine on his lap.

A few minutes later, the receptionist returned to her position behind the front desk, “Mr. Anderson,” she called in a soft voice.

Anderson  looked up from the magazine, “Yes.” he smiled and walked toward the receptionist’s smiling face.

“Mr. Anderson, Doctor Leach is able to see you now. If you’d please come this way.” She gestured for him to follow.

They entered a brightly lit surgery. A young man in a long white coat and glasses stuck on his forehead, rose as they entered.

“Mr. Anderson, I’m Doctor Leach. How can I help you today?” 

Anderson waited. He watched the receptionist as she turned to leave and smiled as she closed the door behind her.

“Well”,  he said a few minutes later, ” I have a pain in my butt. It really hurts.”

“I see”, Leach replied, “where exactly is the pain?”

“Actually, it’s IN my ass, Dr.”

“Hmmm. Would you take off your pants and let me have a look.”

Anderson unbuckled his belt and drops his pants to the floor – his underpants followed.

“Now, if you could bend over, I’ll have a look and see if I can find the problem.”

Anderson bent forward, pulling his shirt tails up as he leaned.

“Mr. Anderson”,Leach observed, ” I need you turn around, so that your rectum faces me..OK?”

Anderson nodded and turned. Dr. Leach was mooned.

The doctor rolled forward on his chair and with a small flashlight, shined it up Anderson’s ass.

“My God!” he said, “you’ve got terribly dirty testicles Mr. Anderson. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a scrotum this dirty.”

Anderson stood straight, “Look Dr. My balls are fine. My ass remember?”

“Yes…right. OK now if you could bent over a little more…that’s right. Now I’m going to insert a gloved finger into your rectum so don’t be alarmed.”

Leach moved a little closer and began  to insert his finger into Anderson’s rectum. He stopped suddenly, shaking his head.

“I’m sorry Mr. Anderson, I must tell you again that your scrotum is the filthiest I’ve ever seen. Don’t you wash?”

“Look, Dr. I came here for you check my ass. Please forget about my ball-bag and concentrate on the job at hand…or finger.”

Leach sighed and continued with the examination of Anderson’s anus. After a few minutes, Leach informed him that he had hemorrhoids. He gave Anderson some Preparation H and instructed him to apply the cream twice a day until the pain stopped.

“I’d also advise you to wash your scrotum, Mr. Anderson. As i mentioned it is disgustingly filthy. You’ll have mushrooms growing if you don’t wash.

Anderson nodded his understanding and pulling up his pants, turned and left the surgery.

 When he walked into his house, his wife Lorriane was in the kitchen preparing the evening meal.

“What did the doctor say about your butt?” she asked as he opened the fridge and retrieved a beer.

“Piles, he told me I’ve got piles, you know hemorroids,” He reached into his jacket pocket and took out the cream.” The doctor gave me this cream and said that you have to apply to my asshole twice a day.”

“Peter! I don’t have time, I have to cook three meals everyday, do the laundry, shop for food, pay the bills, attend PTA meetings….. shit I don’t even have enough time to wipe my own ass!”

“That”s another thing, I need to speak to you about.”

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